I remember praying and asking for a miracle.
I remember crying and begging God to save that little life that I saw on the screen.
“Your levels aren’t normal”
“This doesn’t seem to be a viable pregnancy”
“Whatever you’re praying, keep praying, because there’s a heartbeat!!”
“I’m sorry, but there is no life there.”
A whirlwind of emotion. 12 weeks of loving that little life. 12 weeks of unknowns. 12 weeks of hope. 12 weeks of tears of joy and pain preceding months of mourning.
I prayed. Oh, how I prayed. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for God to save that baby. I prayed to hold that baby in my arms.
But God didn’t give me my “yes”. God gave me His answer.
It wasn’t at all what I wanted to hear. It wasn’t at all what I had planned. But it was what was best. I believe that. I believe that with my whole heart.
Because His plans always work out for the best. I know that because I’ve seen that in my life.
Over and over God has held me during the sad times when His answer hasn’t been what I wanted. Then He’s rejoiced with me when those tears turned into something beautiful.
When God’s answer isn’t our “Yes,” we can choose to leave or we can choose to believe.
Believe that He is Good. Believe that He is working on the best for us. Believe that He loves us.
Or we can leave. We can walk away from Him in our anger and disappointment. I could have walked away, but, oh, I would have missed the sweetness of God’s presence during my dark days (“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted” Psalm 34:18). I would have missed the healing that came with time and other blessings. I would have missed His love.
During that miscarriage (2013), I chose to believe…and He came so close to me during my mourning. So close that I could almost feel His arms holding me while I held my oldest baby boy and rocked him while repeating, “God is always good, no matter how much it hurts.” Those words carried me through. While they made me angry at first, I knew them to be true. They became easier and easier to say. I say them even now whenever I think of that sweet baby because, while it still hurts, I know it’s true.
God is good. He is good during our pain. He is good during our joy. He is always working out our good (“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good…” Romans 8:28).
Our idea of GOOD may not be God’s idea of GOOD…but we believe. Because we know His plans are for our good (Jeremiah 29:11). And because we’ve seen His goodness over and over again.
When God’s answer isn’t our “Yes,” we can choose to leave or to believe.