I’m taking a leap, here, with this post. This isn’t a crafty/cooking/photo/fun post. This post is coming from my heart. I want to be real. Real in my faith. (It’s also really long…..)
My little family has recently suffered a loss. A loss that may seem so small to some, but to those who believe as we believe, a loss so great that it’s changed our family.
On Easter, I surprised Josh with a card that read, “For Easter, I made you a bunny. You must be special because I don’t do that for just anyone.” I signed it, “Due: December 2013.” The video I have of Josh’s reaction to the card is priceless – he didn’t know what to think, but once he realized that he was going to be a Daddy for the 2nd time, he was elated. It was still early, but the 4 tests I had taken were all positive.
On May 13th, we lost the baby. I had been pregnant for almost 12 weeks, but it was an emotional 12 weeks. I was told from the beginning that my levels were low and I was put on medication. I was monitored and tested every week to track the baby’s progress. One week we were told there was no baby. The next week, we saw a fetal pole. The next week, nothing. The next week, a heartbeat and a baby. The next week, no heartbeat. Then, my levels began to drop dramatically, and I was told to expect a miscarriage.
I feel like I was floating through the months of April and May – not knowing what to feel from one moment to the next. I have grieved, been angry, questioned God, had faith, rejoiced, and stood numb and speechless.
In times like these, I can understand how people lose faith in God. I can understand why they question how God can love us if He allows certain things to happen and doesn’t stop other things. Why would good, loving women who want babies be unable to have them while women who don’t want/won’t care for them are able to have multiple babies?? I will admit, I question God on this, and I still am questioning Him. I trust Him, but I don’t understand it.
But, you know what? As much as I question, I’ll never understand. His ways aren’t my ways. His ways are better than my ways – even if they don’t seem like it at the time. He won’t spare anything to save me – not even His own Son, so I know He has my greater good in mind.
In the midst of all of this, I prayed for many things – miracles, a heartbeat, a baby…mercy, grace… I did receive 2 of these things. Mercy. Grace.
My miscarriage happened quickly and completely. I prayed for mercy through it. I decided to miscarry naturally because I didn’t want to take this baby from my body and always wonder “what if.” In the end, I’m glad I did. It was healing for me to experience it. It provided closure to the past 2 months of upheaval.
God gave me mercy in that it happened quickly and completely. It happened when I was out of town and surrounded by family. He knew where I needed to be.
I am so overwhelmed with thanks that He allowed me to experience being a mommy for a 2nd time, even if just for a little while. I loved the experience again. Everyday, I realize the grace He showered on me by choosing me to be Samuel’s mommy. I will forever be thankful for him.
He showed me grace by answering my prayers for mercy even when I was angry with Him and questioning His ways. I am deserving of nothing, but God showers me everyday with his presence, His promises, and the love of my family. He tells us that He is near to the brokenhearted. I claimed that promise, and in His grace, He allowed me to feel Him near. He’s healing me. He’s replacing my anger with His joy.
Everyday is new. I’m still mourning my baby. Each day gets easier, but I’m finding my mind focusing on Heaven – wondering if my other loved ones are enjoying my baby there…asking God to give my baby extra hugs…and wondering when I meet that baby, if he or she will still be a baby…
A lot of questions flood my mind at quiet times. Luckily these faces keep me busy and remind me of all the AMAZING things I DO have in my life. They make me get up every morning and relish in little boy snuggles and his new-found attachment to “Momma”: